I used to crawl under the covers of my bed, and stare out the window at the emerald tree tops and the hazy velvet sky with transportation shooting through it, smelling the smell of an airplane at night, of finding newness in the darkened sky. I wouldn't fall asleep for hours, but these were the good nights.

Mostly, my mind terrified me and monsters burst forth like they were escaping a jail. It was like the absence of sun made the cage all the weaker. I knew I would think of things like lonilness, sadness. I'd lay on the floor and imagine i were laying on a forest floor alone, and then i'd fall asleep and dream about the concrete storage warehouse-- my bed too high on top of boxes, so removed from my family. So I sought and I seek a way to keep these locked up. I watched I Love Lucy. I rearrange my room. I stare at a computer screen, my eyes drying and tiring. And when it finally got to be too much, I'd wander, crying, scared, alone. I was sure everyone had stopped breathing or evaporated into the stardust and it was just me, forever. I'd hide under my bed or stretch my arms to my parents bedroom, curling up against the door, my eyes shaking with tears.

i still haven't figured out how to get my mind to stop, to lay to sleep when i want it to. It comes alive with the shooting stars, it weilds swords and daggars, and when I try to get my body to rest, it rebels. I have no control.