i found a bobby pin with rusted sea brine on it this morning. i used it to hold my braids to my head. it just broke in peices and my braids went tumbling down to the ground.

things i call/say to my dog, other than her name (gemma/gem)

1. little gem
2. gemski bear!
3. princess melane!
4. princess lady (pronounced more like... "pincuss luddy!"
5. gembear
4. little one
5. you're a princess, a princess of epic proportions!
6. amberlynn (when she's being annoying, on accident)
7. my little lovely lady
8. you silly girl!
9. my tiny baby
10. you are being way too goofy right now, way too goofy!
11. love ya bout times a million
12. you are way too pretty!

i love it when i pick my puppy up to hug her, and she collapses against me. she doesn't always do this, sometimes she stiffens, like all the squishy stuffy parts of her are hardening, and tugs her head to look at something )i dont know aht_ but when sometimes, she really lets me hold her and rock her and her soft, furry head nooks right underneath my chin. she relaces her ever muscle and vein into me and i melt with happiness and love.

sometimes i want to molt. and go somewhere i don't know. and stand, stark naked and cold in the middle of nothing. and breathe it all in.

i realized that i wasn't like the other owls early on. i noticed how my eyes wouldn't shut to the light, and i never asked "who?" i asked "why?" because i was always alone.

i never wanted to be like others. but i wanted to be like something. so i rooted like trees, or pretending to pop my head off like a daisy, or twinkling like the stars or smelling sweetly like basil. i played like fingers on the piano, burrowed like a field mouse and rotted like old wood. i burst like the warm air from a whale's blowhole hitting the cold hair and vaporizing, like breathe, like "i'm smoking!".

yeah i rode the rainbow for some time because i could because i'm lucky. but i'm still up in the morning, grinning so sweetly as the grass shakes off its shower and everyone else is sleeping, snoring their questions away.

then i saw something, so completely insane, i can't tell you what it is. you'll have to see it for yourself. it is what should be a sea of leaves, but it is dim, like old tv.

and now i know that i don't have to be like all the other nocturnal creatures. but i don't have to be like the daytime ones either, or the ones inbetween. my skin is like a map. i will read it softly to you, so you too, will know.

it's strange normally i like the roaring ravage of the vacuum on innocent carpet, i like the lines it leaves behind, but my mother has been screaming through maching for what feels like ages and i can feel my insides getting up in a tizzy.

the problem is,i start smiling and then i notice that not everyone is. some people are, but a lot of people are angry and sad. then i think they may know something i dno't, and i'm just wasting my time.